The Stages of Totally Wrong - Relationships

Just some things I have been thinking about from my own experiences and my friend's stories and situations. Just my thoughts people. Just my thoughts. If you find them useful, then awesome!

1. Nice to meet you. Who am I?

While it is natural to put your best foot forward when meeting someone new, sometimes we tend to go overboard when we are trying to impress a potential partner. If you find yourself agreeing with everything the other person says or say you like the same music, sports, etc., when you don't, you are headed for trouble. One technique for getting people to like you in general is "mirroring". This creates a feeling of sameness, which makes people more comfortable around you. But when it is not genuine, even if it works for a little while, the truth is always revealed. You can only pretend to be who you are not for only so long. We've all heard it before, if the other person does not like you for who you are, you don't need that person in your life. If you find yourself doing this. Stop. It's all down hill after that if you continue on.

2. Talking yourself into it.

Sometimes we actually convince ourselves that we do like the same things as the other person. Or we force ourselves to. Personal example: Baseball. I was never very much into baseball and so really had no awareness of being a fan of any team. One significant past relationship was a really really big Red Sox fan. I was honest with him. He made me feel like I was completely abnormal. So he took me to a game at Fenway Park in Boston and I actually liked it. I liked the experience of being at the stadium. The game was exciting and I became an instant Red Sox fan. Next thing you know I have several shirts and hats, I'm watching all the games with him on t.v. and I even got to the point of talking smack. It appeared that I was a bigger fan than he ever was. It made our relationship easier, so I thought. It actually just masked the problems we were having. Truth was, watching the games on t.v was really boring for me. The only time I enjoyed them were when we went to a stadium. I realized that what I really liked was watching the people, hearing the noises, and looking at Manny Ramirez' butt. I had learned when to cheer and when to boo but it wasn't the game I enjoyed at all. Once I realized that, I still had to fake it because if ever I didn't want to watch a game, we argued. If you ask me now, I am still a Red Sox fan. I pay attention to scores...it helps me have conversations with coworkers. But I can't tell you the last time I watched a game on my own. The best thing to do is be open to the other person's hobbies but maintain or find your own. The best relationships are ones where you both bring some new awareness to each other without imposing them on each other.

3. No one you know recognizes you.

Once you resign to basically being like the other person, everything about you changes. The way you dress, the way you think about things, your mannerisms even. The things that make you, you..and the things that the other person was attracted to in the first place...all start to go away. Guess what's next? Your self esteem. When you give up everything you know about yourself, you question everything you've ever done in your life. I have seen my friends go from being sharp dressers to sloppy versions of the person they are dating. I have been one of those people too. One time, after being with Mr. Red Sox for a while, I saw a friend I had not seen in about a year. The look on her face said it all, but she used her words on me anyway. I remember well "Who are you? I am completely disturbed by what I am seeing." The last time she saw me I am pretty sure I was well dressed, hair and make up done. This time, ill-fitting jeans, an oversized shirt, and sneakers. Pretty sure no make up which was definitely a change for me. I remember telling her "this is the real me". LAUGH! Truth was, he didn't like that I wore make up because I was the only female in his life who did. He didn't like my clothes because it was never casual enough for the life we had together. Because I wore sloppy clothes all the time I allowed myself to have a sloppy body. I hated myself. If people who know you well don't recognize you any more and not in a good way....check yourself.

4. Frustration.

Eventually you reach the point where you pay attention again and you understand that you are unhappy as hell. The problem is, you have now created this version of yourself that only works while you are with that particular person. To do a 180 exposes you as a fraud so you have a decision: Stay behind the smoke and mirrors, or step out from behind them and shake up everything. The other problem is, you think you love this person and they love the person you have become. You are scared about what being your true self will do. Because you now look like hell you think no one else will want you so this is all you have. If you find yourself here, I suggest reconnecting with your friends (chances are you have been avoiding them at this point). Find even little ways to let who you are see the light of day again. Small changes would also test the other person. Can s/he take it if you say, come home with a new haircut or tattoo? If you start going to the gym are they supportive or complain that you don't spend time together any more? While you are getting back to your own basics, check the other person out as well. Then ask yourself: Is this better than being alone, or is it worth it to free myself up for the right situation?

5. The other person.

While you are figuring things out, looking hot, and flexing again, the other person, if they think they love you, or is afraid of losing you, will be going through some things too.

a. Confusion.

Remember, they have never really known the real you so all of this is going to be very strange. They will likely wonder if you are having an affair. Expect off color remarks and questions designed to draw you out.

b. Desperation.

If the other person starts to panic about losing you, and the life you have settled into together, they will start acting out of character. Some examples I have seen, and some I have done (not telling which is which): Sudden interest in your friends and hobbies when they didn't care before. Cooking 40-ingredient meals when they are normally the hamburger helper type. Tip toe-ing around like, being overly polite, backing off at any potential arguments. Either giving you more space or getting extra clingy. Pulling out old pictures of all the fun times you've had together. For a male, the ultimate desperate act usually involves going into major debt. I once knew a guy who spent $10,000 on flowers. He had to have them shipped from Hawaii because the woman once upon a time said it was her favorite flower. For females, the ultimate desperate act is also the most typical. Amping up the sex. She listens to her shallow friends who tell her sex is the way to correct any man's out of line behavior, then directs her to every cliche in the book. Trashy lingerie, massage oil and porn. If it works, great. They'll be good for a night and then what? If it doesn't work, desperation turns to humiliation and resentment. About 80% of the women I know admit to trying this. Not a single one of them is still with the guy they tried it on..whether it worked for that time or not.

6. Every day is a bad day.

The gourmet meals give you gas, you wonder where that tumor on your back came from, oh it's your partner who suddenly needs to be attached to you. You can't appreciate the expensive gift because it is pretty obvious why you got it, and the sex..well, you realize there's no longer a connection and therefore isn't any better than a do-it-yourself kit. If you aren't arguing, you aren't talking at all. You wish you could shed your skin and start over or even worse...you start to understand why murder or suicide was an option for some people. It's time to see the big picture. Maybe you have outgrown the other person, maybe you never fit in the first place. This is when you start being really honest with yourself, and perhaps, a little selfish. It's time to think about the rest of your life on this planet and how you'd like to spend it. When you wake up in the morning do you say "yay!" or damn!!"? When your partner calls do you smile or feel annoyed? Do you go home after a hard day at work and feel happy or pissed that your partner will be there? Is this acceptable to you for the rest of your life?

7. The last is also the first.

The last stage of a totally wrong relationship is also the first stage to a totally right one with yourself. Acceptance and moving on. This is also the scariest and the hardest part to go through. Chances are you have to hurt some one's feelings. Something to keep in mind though, they are losing a person they never knew in the first place. It will hurt for a while, we have all felt this, but in the end it really will be better for both of you. Because while you are so unhappy...so are they. They just don't always know it. But one day, they will get it. I've been on both sides of this. The other hard part is now you have to undo the life you created around this relationship. It's going to be difficult, and scary, and you will have moments where you question it. Be strong enough, be courageous enough, to be happy.